My transition to grad school was not easy or enjoyable.
I’m not interested in tossing around blame, so I want to make it clear that this sequence of events should not be blamed on any individual. A lot of it was just part of the “initiation” to this new phase of life that everyone goes through, but going through it alone is one of the most hope-destroying experiences a person can have. Grad school is supposed to be better than your undergrad (according to a lot of people) because you’re diving into your passion and you’re surrounded by intellectuals who share your interests.
But, for me, it felt a lot more like my world collapsing around me.
All of my worst fears became real during my first semester. I was paranoid about becoming some sort of scapegoat. I thought I would never make friends. Wracked with anxiety and loneliness, the only thing I had in front of me was my work. But, even those goals came up short. I didn’t understand what I was doing in class, and I hated it. Every day I drove to campus a little piece of me died inside. I was utterly miserable.
I need to make clear here that there was no one single thing causing this, and people were not really out to get me. But, there are a lot of things I can see now that I did not understand at that time. One of the problems I encountered was not knowing or understanding what was happening around me. It seemed like I was never really in the loop, that I was doing the wrong things, or that I wasn’t trying hard enough.
A lot of it was related to “imposter syndrome,” which a lot of academics face when they feel unqualified or underprepared for the work they’re undertaking.
Not all of this is the fault of the people around me. In fact, I had a few lifelines that I truly believe God sent my way to encourage me and help me keep going, both in my department and outside school. There were plenty more people who were nice or kind, but they were busy and probably never noticed that I was struggling to hang on. (How many times have I done the same?) Regardless of any good around me, having all of your fears realized more or less at once is an awful, world-shattering experience I hope no one else has to endure.
My first semester was so brutal that I cried on the bus one day because the bus driver greeted me with a smile and a kind word. It was the only nice thing anyone said to me that week. I was lost in a huge mass of over 20,000 students and I felt I had finally dissolved into a number.
About half way through the fall semester I resolved to leave at the end of the school year because I was so anxious and exhausted that I no longer felt it was sustainable for me to stay. I couldn’t imagine it getting better. I had lost all passion for everything I was working on. Sure, there were good people around and some interesting classes happening, but I just didn’t feel up to the task.
I had made a commitment to a one-year assistantship, and I was supposed to take a course with my thesis advisor in the spring, so I knew I had to stay for at least one more semester because I had enough integrity left in me to carry out my contract.
God had other plans. In the background, there was a lot changing around me that I didn’t realize (hindsight and all that). There were people coming into my life, and others who were advocating for me without my knowledge. Everything that had been so bad was getting better, but I didn’t know it yet.
One of the best things that happened to me since I started grad school was getting into Cru Grads and meeting other people who understood what I was going through. A professor who was involved with Faculty Commons came into our office one day with a flier and asked if one of us would consider putting it up. I hung it on the door, but thought it wasn’t for me since I had a church already. But, a couple of days later, I was crying at my desk and I thought it couldn’t hurt to email the Cru staff and see what it was all about.
After being in their Bible study for a few weeks, I got hit with a huge reminder: there was a time when I wanted to be here, and God had a purpose in drawing me to grad school. 
I had lost all sight of the reason I was there in the first place. A lot of people may think of grad school as an obstacle, but some think of it as more of a proving ground for bigger things. I was here for a reason, and God had brought me to this place so He must be willing to sustain me here. Cru and the lessons I learned through them were a real wakeup call. I found encouragement to keep going when I felt like all hope was lost.
In the end, I did much better academically than I was expecting. Some of my insecurity melted away because I felt like I had nothing left to lose. The second semester was grueling academically, but I was able to keep my eyes above the waves and focus my attention on God’s purpose for my life.
At the end of the semester, I was exhausted and broken, but willing to see my program through to the end. The year had taken its toll on me, and it was unforgiving; yet, I was still able to join Cru Grad Fellows at Penn State for 3 weeks to learn more about God’s purpose for our time in grad school.
I was graced with a renewed hope during this time away.
Upon my return to school I was feeling the familiar pangs of anxiety, I felt myself falling back into toxic old habits, and I felt myself retreating into the safety of my little corner desk by the wall. Instead, I faced down my fears and decided to make the best of things.
Then it all fell apart. The beginning of this semester has been one heartache, obstacle, and disappointment after another. But, I keep finding amazing blessings in the midst of it all. I feel like I’m literally on a rollercoaster; every time I answer my phone or check my email I either hit rock bottom or get amazing news that sends my heart soaring.
Whatever happens now, I’m better equipped to trust God through it all and to put the hardships in perspective. Things might look bleak sometimes, but there is more than just a silver lining – there is hope.
Cru changed my life and gave me a community where I could learn how to thrive in grad school, despite the turbulence around me. I’m also blessed to have some great professors on my team who will stick up for me when things get tough. The history job market may be disheartening, but I am trusting that I am here for a purpose. God won’t forget me.
Even if I have to serve as an over-educated barista for a while, I trust that God will have purpose for me there as well.
If you’re struggling through grad school (or limbo) like I was, just know there is more to life than this awful feeling. It gets better.
I’m happy to report that God has provided for me more than I would ever have believed possible. Funds have poured in, new students have brought new life into the office, and a lot of people who were struggling like me have finally started to feel comfortable.
Hard times are just part of life. Transitioning out of college is hard for anyone, but hunkering down in grad school isn’t the easy way out a lot of people expect. I knew it would be one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I walked into it with hope that things would be easier than I had expected. It was not easier.
Job 23:8-12 says, “Look, I go forward, but He is not there, / And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; / When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him; / When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him. / But He knows the way that I take; / When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. / My foot has held fast to His steps; / I have kept His way and not turned aside. / I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; / I have treasured the words of His mouth / More than my necessary food.”
Job has been through the kind of trial I could never imagine, yet he trusted God’s intentions. I don’t believe that Job ever got an answer to “why” God tested him, but I think he knew it was for a purpose that must be holy because it comes from God. Job knew it would be used for something, that though he may never know what he was meant to do, God knew and was going to carry him through it.
I believe God has placed us all where we ought to be, and that He guides us for His holy purposes. I may never understand why my initiation to grad school was so hard, but I know it was transformative. I like to think that I’m stronger because of it, better, and that I’ll be soft-hearted when I’m faced by these situations again.
I hope this post stands as a testament to those people who allowed God to use them to bring me encouragement and keep me going throughout my darkest days. There are many wonderful people who have come alongside me during my time in grad school that have truly changed my experience. I know this is where I am supposed to be, and I’m finally happy to be here (even if I still complain a lot).
MikkaelaBailey 