Sinking me……..

I haven’t shared this with anyone, but I think that it is too good to not share. Last semester, I was struggling. I lost my focus, my purpose, and my promise. I got so caught up in everything around me that I could not see my way out. I was at my breaking point, and I had no idea where I had gone wrong. I felt so much pressure to know exactly what I was doing and where I was going that I lost sight of why I was where I was at that particular moment.

People kept questioning me about what I wanted out of life, why I was studying history, and whether or not I was looking for a boyfriend. Those are very scary questions for a college student, and I didn’t have an answer. The truth was, I had been sinking for a long time without even knowing what was happening. I felt like I was drowning. But, luckily, I happened to know the ultimate life guard (yes, I did throw in the “my life guard walks on water” Christian cliche – and this is the perfect place to do it).

Some friends invited me to a church service that night, as my existential crisis conveniently happened to occur on a Wednesday afternoon. My friends knew nothing of my inner struggle, they just needed another person with a car and gas money (a rare combination in college). I really don’t know exactly what they believe, but I am not ashamed to admit that I am a Charismatic Pentecostal (yes I wear pants, no I don’t handle snakes). I am a very visual person, and I receive from God most during worship. I feel that He most often speaks to me through pictures of sorts, which I understand much better than words. 

During worship, I prayed for God to help me because I felt as if I was drowning. Then, suddenly, it became so clear to me what had happened. Just like Peter in Matthew chapter 14, I had trusted the Lord’s guidance and followed His leading out onto the water. It was risky, but it was working. However, I lost my focus. Peter was to focus on Jesus and walk to him, however, he became distracted and consumed by the water. But, Peter called out to Jesus. Jesus took him by the hand, pulled him up, and he was safe. 

This is what I saw in that moment of desperation and prayer. I trusted the Lord’s leading out of my comfortable boat onto the seas. I knew He had a purpose for my life, and that was a promise to which I held on. But, amid the questioning, I lost focus. I lost sight, and started to sink. But, when I called on Jesus, He was there to take my hand and pull me up out of the water. He made me a new promise that night. He won’t ever let me drown.

(This had another special meaning for me, on top of the whole existential crisis, fear of failure, and inability to answer any of the questions people threw at me on an hourly basis. I have this weird thing about water. I don’t really like it. I took swimming lessons as a child, and as a result I was slightly traumatized. That in itself is a very long story, and all I really need to say is that drowning has always been one of those huge irrational fears I have. I have many irrational fears, but that definitely makes the top five.) 

 I know that God is leading me to study history, but I don’t have all of the answers as to why just yet. I don’t have to know where I am going, or what will happen. If Jesus is strong enough to pull me out of the water, He can surely to guide me to the shore. 

Focus is easy to lose, but it is possible to regain it. Jesus saved me from drowning within myself and my [lack of] ambitions. He holds me, and He is guiding me. I feel much safer in his hands than I do in my comfy boat. Keep this in mind: I still can’t swim. 

-Mikk